Self-Pity vs Resilience: The Choice That Changes Everything

A few years ago, I sent out a completely blank newsletter. Yep. A big fat TBD. No wisdom, no words, just me forgetting to actually write the thing.

Old me would have spiralled hard. I’d have sat in the shame stew for hours, maybe even days. The soundtrack would have been familiar: “I’m such a f*ck up. I can’t trust my brain. This is so embarrassing.”

Sound familiar?

That spiral is self-pity. And self-pity is sneaky. It convinces you that you’re doing something about your problems, when really, you’re just sitting in victim mode. You’re delaying action while waiting for someone else to swoop in and fix it for you.

But here’s what changed everything for me: I stopped choosing self-pity, and started choosing resilience.

Why Self-Pity Feels Safe (But Keeps You Stuck)

Self-pity can look like blaming past experiences without any intention of changing. It can look like needing external validation just to feel worthy - and falling apart when you don’t get it. It can look like sweeping your emotions under the carpet because you’re terrified vulnerability will be seen as weakness.

I lived there for years. And spoiler: it got me nowhere. Self-pity feels safe because it keeps us in the familiar role of the victim. But it’s also poison. It traps you in the same patterns you’re desperate to escape.

Choosing Resilience Instead

That blank email? Instead of spiralling, I laughed. I rolled my eyes. I thought, “sh*t happens.” And then I moved on.

Mistakes, forgotten deadlines, missed opportunities - none of it means you’re broken. It means you’re human. And resilience is simply the choice to meet your mess-ups with responsibility and self-trust instead of shame.

Resilience doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine. It means saying: “This isn’t what I wanted, but I get to decide what happens next.”

Self-Pity vs Resilience: The Lesson

The world didn’t end because I sent out a blank email. In fact, ten people still clicked a link inside it. Proof that the sky doesn’t fall when you mess up. Proof that sometimes, opportunities are hiding inside your mistakes - if you’re willing to see them.

So the next time you catch yourself spiralling in self-pity, pause. Ask: am I delaying action here, or can I choose resilience instead?

Because the mistakes will keep coming. But the spiral? That part is optional. ✨ If you’re ready to stop spiralling in self-pity and start building resilience, I can help you get there. Through coaching, we’ll work on messy action, radical self-trust, and learning to handle setbacks without letting them define you. Explore coaching with me.